so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
sex in a hospital.. check
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
