a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
