You're my little dorito
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
