Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
