I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All I want is dick and wine.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
