omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I need to calm my uterus...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
