I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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