In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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