mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
