are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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