I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
