can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
