I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize