took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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