I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
