you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
