I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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