is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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