I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
