hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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