how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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