I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
