I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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