I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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