I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize