It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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