i was born a porn star she said
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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