Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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