You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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