Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
