I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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