I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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