Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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