1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
