Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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