Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
