did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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