Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
