He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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