How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
