I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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