Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
