I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
