I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
