You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
