She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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