AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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