Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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