My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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