3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize