watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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