so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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