I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
