Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
