the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize