I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
