I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
