I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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