i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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