btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it hurts more in the daytime
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
